Please Don't Make Me Play Bethpage Black with Michael Jordan

Over the weekend U.S. Ryder Cupper Hunter Mahan defeated Ryder Cup teammate Anthony Kim in a playoff to win the inaugural Kiwi Challenge, a 36-hole made-for-television golf tournament contested on two lovely courses (Kauri Cliffs and Cape Kidnappers) in New Zealand. Four young up-and-coming stars (Adam Scott and Brandt Snedeker also played in the event) and stunning panoramic pictures overlooking Hawk's Bay weren't nearly enough to warrant my interest; especially on a football weekend.

Presumably, the problem with made-for-TV golf is that it often features extremely small fields or celebrities who already have enough money to last them a lifetime, playing for, you guessed it, more money. 

There have been a slew of unattractive artificial golf events over the years including the Skins Game, the Wendy’s 3-Tour Challenge and who could forget the now defunct “Battle at Bighorn”, or was it the “Battle at the Bridges.” Thank you for the effort, but I would rather watch the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving.

However, Tiger Woods’ comments about a 10-handicapper being unable to break 100 on a U.S. Open course has spawned a fascinating challenge developed by Golf Digest and NBC Sports . Last year John Atkinson, a salesman from Nebraska, won the inaugural contest designed to test a mid-level handicap golfer on the same course designated to host the current year’s U.S. Open under the same conditions the professionals will face. Atkinson, playing with Dallas Cowboys’ quarterback Tony Romo, entertainer Justin Timberlake and Today Show host Matt Lauer, shot a 114 on Torrey Pines South.

This year’s initial submission is to be a six-word essay briefly describing why the entrant thinks he or she can break 100. This year’s U.S. Open will be held at Bethpage State Park’s infamous Black Course. In 2002, when the Black first hosted the national golf championship, Woods was the only player to break par and won by three shots.

Reports have been confirmed that none other than Michael Jordan, you know the guy who Tiger replaced as world’s most recognizable active athlete when Jordan finally walked away from basketball, will join Timberlake and another yet to be named celebrity in the foursome.

This is where this event gets really interesting, in a depraved sort of way, and makes me want to tune in to the NBC broadcast of the foursome’s round a few days before the U.S. Open begins.

We begin with a golf course that has developed a certain mystique since it first hosted the Open in 2002. The Black Course now exists with an aura, a certain air of invincibility, to par at least. Honestly, the golf course comes with a warning label. I know a lot of us struggle with the game, but to put an 18-hole course on the same level as a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of prescription drugs, that’s just not something you impose upon the delicate psyche of golfers.

So we have the following elements in place: a reasonably good golfer on what will be, at the time, a very unreasonable golf course. You’ll have a guy or gal who may have competed for his/her club’s championship at best, ready to tackle a course designed to sort through the PGA Tour’s best and determine our national champion. Oh, and yes, what about those NBC television cameras and the knowledge that this will appear on national TV. If that’s not enough to spook you into a 150, let’s just throw in the most competitive and arguably the greatest athlete in the history of sports (team or individual).

Jordan won NBA Championships in the last six full seasons he played in the league. He also took a break to play professional baseball, and didn’t perform all that terribly. He was notorious for his intensity during practice. If Allen Iverson would have come out with his “We’re in here talking about practice, not the game” speech as a teammate of Jordan’s, he probably would’ve gotten dropped like Steve Kerr. It was Jordan who lambasted less talented teammates for being worthless, and he continued to do so as an executive. Ever wonder why Kwame Brown is so bad? Jordan broke his spirit and he’s never been able to pick up the pieces. One more thing, his gambling addiction makes Matt Damon and Edward Norton in Rounders look like amateurs at Tuesday night bingo.

So step up to the first tee at Bethpage Black, a rather benign little par-4 that David Fay discounted as just ok when he walked the Black Course late one afternoon hoping to discover a future U.S. Open venue. Meet your playing partner, an ultra-competitive global sporting icon with more money than god, and more championship rings than you have fingers under that golf glove. Your goal is to break 100. Jordan’s is probably to break $100,000 in side bets with Timberlake. And he won’t be concerned with having a good time. Jordan will want to go as low as he possibly can on the Black Course, just to prove how badass he is.

As far as I’m concerned, you might as well put this poor person in the final round of the Open against Tiger. Imagine glancing over and watching “His Airness” puffing away on a Montecristo ‘A’ and counting the petty cash drawer he has between his money clip. Your reward for winning the round of a lifetime – you have to go out and play it against a guy whose shoes have contributed more to society than you.

Here is my submission: Only if Sir Charles is available.

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