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Alvin Greene, the South Carolina Democrat who won his party's primary sans campaign staff, website and financial support, makes Sarah Palin look like Stephen Hawking.
A day after he won 59 percent of the primary vote, media reports revealed that Greene was facing felony charges related to a Roethlisbergeresque (major points in Scrabble) incident in a computer lab on the campus of his alma mater, the University of South Carolina.
In early August, Greene was indicted on obscenity charges, and faces a maximum five-year prison term if conviced. Ironically, the U.S. Senate doesn't explicitly ban felons from serving in its chambers.
His invitation to speak at a Democratic Party meeting in Oconee County Tuesday was rescinded as a result of the indictment. But Greene showed up unannounced, his female companion caused a scene and he was forcibly removed from the premises by local authorities.
Sadly, he is as inept on the links as he is on the campaign trail.
The political neophyte also happens to be a golf virgin. He popped his fairway cherry Sunday at Indigo Creek Golf Club, which is located just south of Myrtle Beach.
Greene, who sported wind pants, a tucked in green t-shirt and straw hat, was a guest of area resident Gerry Shea, who on a whim dialed a phone number linked to the candidate that he found on Google. Greene actually answered, and accepted the request to join the local golf group for a morning game.
Newspaper and Television reporters, who made up 99 pecent of the gallery, noted that Greene finished the front nine with a score of 62, and in John Daly fashion quit on the 13th hole.
Greene said the appearance gave him an opportunity to talk about tourism as an integral cog in the state's economy, but in all actuality, it was just another opportunity for him to be creepy.
"A lot of what he was saying made sense to me, even if he doesn't articulate it well in front of the cameras," Shea told the Myrtle Beach Sun News. "You still see the awkwardness even in private, but given the chance, he is articulate, he's sincere and he does want to serve."
Since his surprise primary victory in June, there's been nothing but awkwardness surrounding Greene. His own party lobbied for a new vote in the wake of the unfathomable outcome, but that request was denied.
In July, Greene propsed opening a Santa's workshop of sorts to prop up the struggling economy.
"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays," Greene told British newspaper The Guardian in a piece where he was dubbed America's most unlikely politician by the foreign outlet. "Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."
What could've been a watershed moment for South Carolina has turned into an embarassment. Greene is the first African-American to run for U.S. Senate on a major party ticket in the Palmetto State. He faces incumbent Republican Senator Jim DeMint in the November midterm elections. I imagine he'll have a considerable amount of free time to pursue golf in the near future.
Lastly, I genuinely hope the screening process at our nation's airports is more rigorous than the intellectual obstacle course one must pass to seek political office.
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